Coldplay hasn't released a new song in years. Then they make two new singles in one night!

Bro, can you pass me that leaflet? Brochure.

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me. I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

He who drinks a fifth on the fourth, may not be able to go forth on the fifth

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry eachother. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

3 things that always tell the truth. Small children, drunk people & yoga pants

I hate hotel bath towels. So thick and fluffy I can't even close my suitcase.

Me: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster. Tech support: “sigh” Fine. Right click on your hamster...

Just been to the gym at work because they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.