Coming around to the view that relational scorekeeping is Good Actually. well, really that it's too deeply embedded in our subconscious to be ignored and denied- it ends up fueling Shadow when not consciously acknowledged and managed

my partner can have expectations and preferences and needs; i can have expectations and preferences and needs my partner will hurt and disappoint me and i will hurt and disappointment my partner i want to give and receive feedback when things are fixable, i want a relationship that isn't fragile, i want trust backed by a pattern of mutual care